there was a loud banging from the inside of my chest it felt like my own hands were knocking and trying to get out and ‘ i want to go home’ roared through all the chambers in my body. i want to go home .. the o dragged out and wailing like a pissed off child. i want to go home .
‘i want to go home’, startled me awake. i know its not about wanting to go to my childhood home, because where is that?! i don’t even think its about going home to callifornia. i fear that i want to go home to god, to die in order to be free, be home. but even though that doesn’t sounds so bad right now, thats not quite it either. its that other home. what i felt for a stretched out span in the ukraine by julians side on the dark fertile earth. the home i have felt fleetingly before in the company of my friends who reach across galaxies and span the widths of time. laughing on the couch with masaaki moving mountains and munching mushrooms. spending the whole day in bed with josh, laughing, telling and discovering what newness to invite and what oldness to break. in a fairy four days with kris and silas, silent through the ridiculously tall trees, eruptive and melodious moments around the fire and truly there. all of the places where i have that feeling were filled with laughter. i want to go home. to a place where all of me fits. where i don’t have to hide anything. where i don’t have to be quite, invisible or temporary.
In native american animal medicine the wild boar represents confrontation. we often think of confrontations as happening between two, and most often the other is outside of our selves. but the hardest confrontation is when we turn that gaze inward towards ourselves. i may not be holding a gun to my own head or brandishing a knife, but still i try to resolve theses inner stand offs with violence and aggression. for years i've heard people tell me that i am hard on myself, though their sentiment is true i don't feel like its hard to be hard on yourself. its kinda like this bad habit you picked up years ago and the reflex is so natural and seemingly tame! i notice that when i see things i don't like in myself i push against it, i try to aggressively reason it into something that isn't that bad, i cowardly call myself names and think i've won the fight because i found the enemy and they are weak, unlovable, not worth it and defeated. often these inner confrontations mutate into fueling my well stoked fire of self loathing and fear. but the real confrontation has been side stepped and the disharmony lies unresolved back in that messy drawer, the one we toss everything into that we can't deal with right now or figure out where it belongs. what's odd is how subtle and gentle the inner movement feels, despite taking lots of will to do. the effort is of a different nature than beating down and dominating, it has the strategy nature of surprise, the unanticipated step and the newly created form. this is the art that the world is calling for, and to practice bringing it to the earth i have to first practice this art inside myself. to discover confrontation with out violence, i need to internalize the fearlessness of the boar, not by mimicking its animal nature and tearing the other apart, but by adding it's undaunted drive to my divine spiritual nature and then i will find the human nature that can be part of co-creating the future peaceful world.
I don’t seek, I find
Seeking is starting from what is old And discovering in the new What you already know. Finding is something entirely new, New also in movement. All paths are open, And what is found Is unknown. It is a risk, a venture, a holy endeavor. Only those can embark on The uncertainty of such ventures Who know they are secure in insecurity, Who are led into lack Of certainty and direction, Who in darkness Give themselves up to an invisible star, who let the goal draw them And do not limit and narrowly determine it By human constriction. Being open to each new insight, To each new experience Both inward and outward Is the essence of modern human beings - Who, despite all fear in letting go, Allow the grace of being held To enter them and manifest New possibilities
ok so it's all a little scary! i thought i had a place to stay when i got to Berlin so that i could then search for a more permanent thang, but it turns out that we weren't on the same page, and i don't. i thought i was going to go to Greece for six weeks including my fortieth birthday, and now i heard that that also isn't going to work out. i sit here bouncing back and forth between the celebration of being free and then on the other hand freaking out because there is no obvious place or person where my heart wants to go ! it feels weird to so clearly want to continue teaching yoga and painting, to want to do 'the work', wanting to participate and feeling completely a loss of where go!! and where will i be for my birthday and who cares?! and just to add to the uncertainty and mayhem mercury goes retrograde in the first week of october (even as i write that i can feel some of you rolling your eyes)! and despite wanting to dismiss it and make fun of people who talk about it (fucking hippies) i have observed and experienced its effects so .. yeah... this cosmos effects me!
my ultimate dream would be to live on a farm in the middle of a city! i would love to have a huge room that could serve as my studio, class room and gallery. i want to live in community and be surrounded by makers, whether making a difference, making a new door or making art! i want to be around people who value and celebrate the differences in each other as a source of wealth and i want to share a big kitchen so i can cook for everyone!! amongst the doubt and the fear and the angst, when i think about finding a place that is right to call home, my heart starts to light up again. so i am stepping out into the unknown with very little security and let's see what happens!
some works in process and my sussie inspired rainbow bookshelf <3
it's really hard to love books and travel!! not to mention how awkward it is to be an artist and travel light! but for now, everything is packed away in boxes.
even though it's my traveling altar its staying in a box for a while
ah, the pier on a stormy afternoon i will miss you
We must eradicate from the soul
all fear and terror of what comes towards man
out of the future
and we must acquire serenity
in all feelings and sensations about the future
we must look forward
with absolute equanimity to everything that may come
and we must think only that whatever comes
is given to us by a world directive full of wisdom.
It is part of what we must learn in this age,
namely to live out of pure trust
without any security in existence
trust in that ever present help of the spiritual world
i hope this email/blog finds you happy and well and doing work that you love!
i once heard that when you are asked to take significant steps towards your destiny it is very much like stepping towards the foggiest part of the path! as i find the time for me in järna coming to a close, i am looking to move to berlin. my reasons are vague and range from simply 'i love the city' to odd experiences such as arriving on a bus from hamburg in berlin and hearing the words in my being 'this is where my heart is'. i also don't feel ready to move back to the united states and want to live for a while in germany to improve my german (and yes, i have noticed how much english is spoken in berlin these days)!
first of all i will be in berlin starting the second week of october and would love to meet up. i would also love to find a place where i can offer a yoga workshop, preferably a place where i can offer it as cost as self determined (donation like).
the bigger search is i am looking to find a place to live and work. my dream would be to find a place where i can have room/studio to paint large paintings and also live.
i know that y'all have busy full lives, so i am putting it out there to see if something sparks and if it doesn't no worries.
the beautiful disa representing our punk rock and soil yoga camp love!
once upon a time there was this idea to have a yoga camp at under tallarna.. there were just a couple of things we had to make, like a place to do yoga!! so per and jacob started to build a floor!
some of the yogi's arrived early and helped finish the floor!
our camp
and oskar's teepee, which he used as a shinning example of how to be generous with your space and super hospitable.
the floor was beautiful and worked !!
breakfast... o the food..
we help with the harvest for under tallarna's csa <3
alex practicing the coy girl farmer look for a future farming is the new sexy calendar ... ;)
oo the food was amazing!
o the food, oskar and ossian skillfully made magic in the outdoor kitchen <3
some times it rained and one of those days we had class in the barn. probably the first yoga class where the fear of being poohed on by a dove was add to the list of inner work! we escape with out a dramatic incidences :)
lenki and cornelious playing at the yoga space!
part of the practice of being amazing of course includes flying and other such joyous behavior!
alex, stephanie and julie also practicing being amazing and playing with gravity!
and we had a huge party! the yoga crew helped host it along with the incredible crew of under tallarna! we are not sure how many people came but it was epic, lovely and a glowing addition to part of what make up the punk rock yoga course.. even with world music ;)
the morning after, satisfied sweet exhaustion <3
and then there was an amazing dinner party at the close of a flower arranging workshop! the food the whole time was great, and this dinner was over the top! notice ossian is serving soup with the watering can!
for a while we had a roof made out of sails
the gift wrapping from the yogi's gift to me! notice how noticeable the cock is and think about all the graffitied penises you've seen and maybe join in adding vaginas to our tagging habits!! o my gods and goddesses!
our group!! cornelious, jule, lenki, per, disa, stephanie, nola, me, katha and alex!!
we got the tour on the last day right before we left! it was magical and really fit into our experience there... at under tallarna they are experts at doing, so we got to know the farm through activity and then the tour ended up being the story behind the actions <3
under tallarna sent us all off with a piece of their heart .. i mean earth.. and a tomato to seed and then plant at home <3 respect!
thank you to all of you who made the 2014 punk rock and soil yoga camp possible <3
what does ‘punk rock’ mean to you? for my friends punk rock means a whole bunch of different things ranging from ‘i used to really go to cbgbs’, to committed fans of sex pistols, ramones or rancid, to odd people who put moby in that same category, to others that think it’s just a fashion statement! for me it is all of those things, (barring maybe a couple artists that some people say are punk that just sound like folk music)! the theme that i see in all the different definitions is that whether it’s the noise, the way you look or the way you think, its about pushing up against the world and breaking other peoples rules whether they are about the way you look or what sounds good or whatever. this pushing up against, defiance and fight is one that i think needs to go deeper than just our jeans choice, beyond our music options and into our very souls. our complacency is abetting our judgement and in a practice of becoming more yourself sometimes we need the power of kali and such to break through the illusions and misconceptions that keep us apart and small.
“When
we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong
in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure" -Peter Marshall
the spirit that i want to foster in the world is one of love. yeah, like a bunch of other cool peeps, sanga, sanga! well easier said than done, as your own biography might tell you too, love is…. and again we will get a thousand replies, a thousand ways of showing it and the dramas that ensue. it doesn't seem to be that hard to love people you agree with it is the 'others' that are so hard. most of what i find is that i am standing in my own way, that i am the obstacle. that my perspective can be wrong, skewed and distorted, and i think my way into my feeling instead of creating into my feeling so that then i can feel my way into my thinking. when i recognize these struggles in my self i imagine the other people could have similar challenges and some times therefore miss with their aim, but their arrow still could be true. then something else has to be my guide than just my singular judgement. and this is where the punk rock thing comes in for me, that if i am constantly assigning unspoken rules to every thing and i need to let go of those to find my true way. punk rock as in fuck the rules, and find out what you know, see and can create as the amazing being that you are.
Be wild and crazy and drunk with Love,
if you are too careful, Love will not find you. ~Rumi
Punk Rock and Soil Yoga Camp: yin yoga teacher and wisdom training
at Under Tallarna in Järna, Sweden
For ten days we will explore living with yoga in a way that allows us to become more ourselves.
Through morning and evening yoga practices, we will connect to our bodies, our energy and purpose. Through 1-2 hours a day working on the land, we will work with the earth, the plants and the place. Through conversations, games, and practice teaching, we will build our skills of expression. The topic that will be woven throughout the training is exploring the subtle body, the invisible side of our yoga practice. We will be camping and living on the farm and enjoying fresh beautiful food that by itself could inspire love and invoke the divine. The training is open to anyone with a minimum of one year of yoga practice, or permission from the teacher. This is not a certified training but it will improve whatever type of teaching you do.
The cost of the training is self determined starting at the minimum: 600-1200 Euro, (5437.09-10,874.18 SEK)
Spaces are limited, so to secure your spot email me and pay a non- refundable registration fee of 100 Euros (904.18 SEK) in cash or through paypal using my email address
thanks scruff for having an old photo of me that i didn't even remember existed.. circa '06 or '07
i feel a little bit like i am out in the dark.
over the past month i have lost my computer and my iphone. not literally, but both to the power of water. the story of my computer dying is a little story in a much bigger and more relevant story that i haven't finished putting down on paper, but it will come. the soaking of my iphone happened last week canoeing from one camp site to another, pretty insignificant, but leaving me without. i am in the dark and i can't share any images from my eyes because my phone was my camera too. and oo so painfully i am in the darkness of silence too. first ten years of collected music from typical to ridiculous, all my yoga mixes and even some yoga classes, on my computer, and then all that was left on my phone, the simple joys of listening to tunes while walking somewhere!!! ( i am so grateful that my friend jesse every year when i visit him backs up my computer so i only lost a year). but i lost photos of the man who's face i can't get enough of, i lost photos of places i have been from the woods of sweden, to the family in california to friends in boston and to a journey in the ukraine! its a little ironic to be celebrating midsummer, to have so much light and still to feel blind.
i am in the dark.
my insides are all confused,
one idea stumbles blindly bumping into another.
reason leaves me wanting,
because it will mold to my desire.
logic can be a slave to my little ego and
love leaves me always with work to do,
more to give.
i am in the dark,
when will i be home again in the circle of your arms?
(there is a quiet story that stirs in my body, a knowledge-old that knows the way)
i don't know if there is a place for me
in the place i want to go.
i don't know what more the world is calling me to do.
i don't know what to be obedient to,
your morals? my patterns? a fairy tale?
i don't know
( i can feel a pulse in the earth that guides my feet)
i can think the growth of a plant to flowering and
i can feel the pathway in-between.
i recognize the same forces within myself
come to life
and i can stand in the craziness that my cells know
i can move with the earth.
(i am in the dark and sometimes i like being alone in the dark).
so in this weird light and darkness time i have been falling more and more in something love-like with amanda palmer, check out her awesome work at www.amanadapalmer.net. here is a video from her. i already feel like she is a friend, but we haven't met yet.. sometimes it sounds like she is my hero (she is), and sometimes i just sound like a crazy stalker (i could be), but mostly i have just loved more and more of her artistry and her ways and because of her i think its time to start playing the ukelele.
for now, peace and love my friends, practice being amazing and loving lots and i will try the same and catch you on the flip-side. xoxoxxes
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Doubt and Certainty
These two creatures dance around the edges of our
conversations, flirt with matters of the heart and pretend to be real in our
life. All of us have had the moment where certainty crashed and became just
words or doubt actually evaporated in an instant when the right words were
uttered.So certainty can change
in an instant and doubt can become sure in a moment, yet I find myself
concerned about the areas in my life where there is doubt and it raises the
alarm to recognize how temporary certainty is too.
At the beginning of November there was no doubt, I was sure
that I am going to live in Sweden for a while and here it is just a few weeks
later and I am waking up questioning my belonging once again.I used to think that I was searching
for a home, but more than ever I know that home is in me and when I am with
certain (hahaha) people.Why
are we concerned with knowing if it’s for now or forever?There really isn’t a difference.
Okay we can argue the practicalities, the usefulness of a
five year plan and intention, but really why do we tolerate some things for now
that we wouldn’t forever?Why can
we compromise our morals and dreams with the seduction of ‘o it’s just for now’
as if that changes the impact, the truth or our heart’s desire? And we do it
all the time!
That being said, my reaction waking up this morning in my
too little bed, in my too little room in a cold and snowy Sweden, in the first
hour was sadness, but lets see what the rest of the day brings.As a creator, together with noticing
how arbitrary doubt and certainty are, I am again confronted with the value of
my commitments.It is my
commitments, both conscious and unconscious, spoken and silent, that shape my
life! I am committed to be in Sweden
until July both on the days when I doubt and the moments when I am certain.
photo by joakim, i can see this from my bedroom with slight different perspective
