there was a loud banging from the inside of my chest it felt like my own hands were knocking and trying to get out and ‘ i want to go home’ roared through all the chambers in my body. i want to go home .. the o dragged out and wailing like a pissed off child. i want to go home .
‘i want to go home’, startled me awake. i know its not about wanting to go to my childhood home, because where is that?! i don’t even think its about going home to callifornia. i fear that i want to go home to god, to die in order to be free, be home. but even though that doesn’t sounds so bad right now, thats not quite it either. its that other home. what i felt for a stretched out span in the ukraine by julians side on the dark fertile earth. the home i have felt fleetingly before in the company of my friends who reach across galaxies and span the widths of time. laughing on the couch with masaaki moving mountains and munching mushrooms. spending the whole day in bed with josh, laughing, telling and discovering what newness to invite and what oldness to break. in a fairy four days with kris and silas, silent through the ridiculously tall trees, eruptive and melodious moments around the fire and truly there. all of the places where i have that feeling were filled with laughter. i want to go home. to a place where all of me fits. where i don’t have to hide anything. where i don’t have to be quite, invisible or temporary.
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