Doubt and Certainty

These two creatures dance around the edges of our conversations, flirt with matters of the heart and pretend to be real in our life. All of us have had the moment where certainty crashed and became just words or doubt actually evaporated in an instant when the right words were uttered.  So certainty can change in an instant and doubt can become sure in a moment, yet I find myself concerned about the areas in my life where there is doubt and it raises the alarm to recognize how temporary certainty is too.

At the beginning of November there was no doubt, I was sure that I am going to live in Sweden for a while and here it is just a few weeks later and I am waking up questioning my belonging once again.   I used to think that I was searching for a home, but more than ever I know that home is in me and when I am with certain (hahaha) people.   Why are we concerned with knowing if it’s for now or forever?  There really isn’t a difference.

Okay we can argue the practicalities, the usefulness of a five year plan and intention, but really why do we tolerate some things for now that we wouldn’t forever?  Why can we compromise our morals and dreams with the seduction of ‘o it’s just for now’ as if that changes the impact, the truth or our heart’s desire? And we do it all the time!  

That being said, my reaction waking up this morning in my too little bed, in my too little room in a cold and snowy Sweden, in the first hour was sadness, but lets see what the rest of the day brings.  As a creator, together with noticing how arbitrary doubt and certainty are, I am again confronted with the value of my commitments.  It is my commitments, both conscious and unconscious, spoken and silent, that shape my life!  I am committed to be in Sweden until July both on the days when I doubt and the moments when I am certain.

photo by joakim, i can see this from my bedroom with slight different perspective