midsummer darkness

thanks scruff for having an old photo of me that i didn't even remember existed.. circa '06 or '07

i feel a little bit like i am out in the dark.
over the past month i have lost my computer and my iphone.  not literally, but both to the power of water.  the story of my computer dying is a little story in a much bigger and more relevant story that i haven't finished putting down on paper, but it will come.  the soaking of my iphone happened last week canoeing from one camp site to another, pretty insignificant, but leaving me without.   i am in the dark and i can't share any images from my eyes because my phone was my camera too.   and oo so painfully i am in the darkness of silence too. first ten years of collected music from typical to ridiculous, all my yoga mixes and even some yoga classes,  on my computer, and then all that was left on my phone, the simple joys of listening to tunes while walking somewhere!!!  ( i am so grateful that my friend jesse every year when i visit him backs up my computer so i only lost a year).  but i lost photos of the man who's face i can't get enough of, i lost photos of places i have been from the woods of sweden, to the family in california to friends in boston and to a journey in the ukraine!  its a little ironic to be celebrating midsummer, to have so much light and still to feel blind.



i am in the dark.
my insides are all confused,
one idea stumbles blindly bumping into another.
reason leaves me wanting,
because it will mold to my desire.
logic can be a slave to my little ego and 
love leaves me always with work to do,
more to give.
i am in the dark,
when will i be home again in the circle of your arms?

(there is a quiet story that stirs in my body, a knowledge-old that knows the way)

i don't know if there is a place for me
in the place i want to go.
i don't know what more the world is calling me to do.
i don't know what to be obedient to,
your morals?  my patterns? a fairy tale?
i don't know

( i can feel a pulse in the earth that guides my feet)

i can think the growth of a plant to flowering and
i can feel the pathway in-between.
i recognize the same forces within myself
come to life
and i can stand in the craziness that my cells know
i can move with the earth.

(i am in the dark and sometimes i like being alone in the dark).



so in this weird light and darkness time i have been falling more and more in something love-like with amanda palmer, check out her awesome work at www.amanadapalmer.net.  here is a video from her.  i already feel like she is a friend, but we haven't met yet.. sometimes it sounds like she is my hero (she is), and sometimes i just sound like a crazy stalker (i could be), but mostly i have just loved more and more of her artistry and her ways and because of her i think its time to start playing the ukelele.

 

for now, peace and love my friends, practice being amazing and loving lots and i will try the same and catch you on the flip-side.  xoxoxxes

Doubt and Certainty

These two creatures dance around the edges of our conversations, flirt with matters of the heart and pretend to be real in our life. All of us have had the moment where certainty crashed and became just words or doubt actually evaporated in an instant when the right words were uttered.  So certainty can change in an instant and doubt can become sure in a moment, yet I find myself concerned about the areas in my life where there is doubt and it raises the alarm to recognize how temporary certainty is too.

At the beginning of November there was no doubt, I was sure that I am going to live in Sweden for a while and here it is just a few weeks later and I am waking up questioning my belonging once again.   I used to think that I was searching for a home, but more than ever I know that home is in me and when I am with certain (hahaha) people.   Why are we concerned with knowing if it’s for now or forever?  There really isn’t a difference.

Okay we can argue the practicalities, the usefulness of a five year plan and intention, but really why do we tolerate some things for now that we wouldn’t forever?  Why can we compromise our morals and dreams with the seduction of ‘o it’s just for now’ as if that changes the impact, the truth or our heart’s desire? And we do it all the time!  

That being said, my reaction waking up this morning in my too little bed, in my too little room in a cold and snowy Sweden, in the first hour was sadness, but lets see what the rest of the day brings.  As a creator, together with noticing how arbitrary doubt and certainty are, I am again confronted with the value of my commitments.  It is my commitments, both conscious and unconscious, spoken and silent, that shape my life!  I am committed to be in Sweden until July both on the days when I doubt and the moments when I am certain.

photo by joakim, i can see this from my bedroom with slight different perspective 

yip 6 portraits, photo from kailea <3

last week we did portrait painting at yip and kailea, an amazing young woman from hawii, wrote this blog, check it out!


And yes this week started the monday after the saturday that i kept hitting my head, and needless to say it was a challenge!  the participants were (are) incredible and the course was good, but i didn't start feeling really like myself until tuesday of this week, ten days later.  i am still oddly accident prone and am having this nagging sensation that i am missing something, so i am continuing to try and let go.  i continue to be committed to not making up  the internal world of somebody else, and now that i feel better, i can continue to practice yoga and try to find my way out of this phase.

i fly to the US on sunday morning and will be in northern california, north carolina and boston until January 27th!

portrait painting workshop in boston, pass it on if you know someone who would be interested:

it's at my friend deborah friezes place, check out the rest of the website to get a feel for just how cool she is :)