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this morning something lame happened .. i thought back to a year ago when i woke up next to one of the loves of my life and how right it was. then my mind lead me to missing him and hurting because i haven’t seen him since and barely heard from him ( yeah yeah i get it, he’s just not that into me), and the sentence that flowed through my head was i hate him. there it is, this thing that people talk about, that love quickly or/ and too easily can turn to hate. i started crying because i don’t want to lose my love, even if at this point it is only too my own memories, bitterness and loneliness. and i don’t hate him. i hate to loose the belonging that i felt by his side. i hate that others leave me wanting, because they don’t come close to reaching the places he found. i hate that i am separated from the person i felt like was home for me.
i often say i have been lucky to fall in love more than once in my life but today as i was talking to a friend and now i wonder if it really is more the once or if its the same sad story on repeat. i realized that i have fallen in love with cowards more than once. and yes then i must ask the question how am i a coward, but we’ll come back to that later)! one was afraid to speak his wishes. i travelled across the country just to see him, and still he couldn’t say he what he wanted (i said, we’ll come back to my part)! the next was afraid to loose me and got lost in possession and jealousy, the next was a fighter not a coward. the next promised me his heart and life and then disappeared. then the next one pretended to be a player, but years later i found out from his friends he was only seeing me for years and i didn’t know. he once told me he knew he was my soul mate, but was sorry but he couldn’t do it in this life time and the then i was a coward and stubborn. then next protected himself with other women. then one love was too scared to cross the bridge to me, returning to safer ground. and then the next one just simply told me he was a coward, o he can jump off of tall bridges, drive ridiculous vehicles and travel the world, but matters of the heart are the scariest precipice apparently. now i can find more example of fear in the men that i love, but i am not setting out to blame them for my disappointments. for as i am, they are all many things and far more wonderful things than just wounds and weakness, and cowardice is only an act away from bravery. my question now is what am i cowardly about and why do i need to love them so? what gift lies wrapped up it the suffering? what wisdom am i to find to justify this path?
i said i would get back to how i am a coward, and in some relationships i can see it clear as day staring back at me. where i was afraid to speak my wishes, where i ran and hid, where i didn’t ask, and worst of all, where i said no to life. but i still feel blind to my own cowardice. or maybe the mirroring isn’t that easy, that my task may be to love the coward because i then may understand some foggy distant past beyond births and deaths. i will continue to ask myself this question because i feel defeated and faithless when it comes to my own fairy tale, and i am much more interested in what capacities i have built up in myself than wishing just for a different story.. well, i can’t help doing that, but i can also turn my will towards radical self honesty in hopes of at the very least knowing the world better.
this day has been light and dark for me like clouds passing on a bright day. some of the brightness came from discovering this inspiringly weird, wonderful and inquisitive web site about taxidermy and such things ( thanks marnie for your totes-magoats)!
After A While
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
~ 1971, Veronica A. Shoffstall. Source.
and another poem/excerpt from an incredible blog by Alison Nappi, find the whole blog here (http://www.writewithspirit.com/letters-of-love--madness/you-dont-need-to-be-rescued)
You don't need the white knight. You are the wild horse racing the wind.
You don't need the holy man. You are already holy.You don't need the medicine. You are the medicine.
You don't need magic. You are a living miracle.
You don't need acceptance. You are loved and adored beyond measure.
You don't need courage. You need faith.
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| the hiding mouse(above) and this fabulous raccoon family pic are both from http://meddlingwithnature.com |
